


Fucking Numpties!

by manicmagicat



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Simon saving Baz, Watford Eighth Year, kidnapped Baz, numpty redemption, numpty rights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:48:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23598625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manicmagicat/pseuds/manicmagicat
Summary: I was hoping that maybe if I befriended them, they’d just tell me where Baz was. I used to try to do this my first year, when my default setting wasn’t explosion and murder. The mage would always be furious though, and it never worked out too well, so I haven’t tried in a long time. But these little things are all snuggled up in blankets and nightgowns and they seem to like me. They remind me of Baz under mounds of blankets and quilts when I leave the window open, except he obviously doesn’t like me.--It's been two days since classes started and Baz still hasn't returned to Watford. Simon sets out to find him and ends up making some unlikely friends along the way (Spoiler alert: it's the numpties.)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 49
Collections: Simon saves Baz





	Fucking Numpties!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay as always shout out to @nikkisunshine for the rambling conversations that lead to me writing things like a fic to redeem the numpties. As always, she is wonderful and I lover her.  
> Also huge shoutout to @deniseeeyy for betaing this! You are wonderful!!

It’s the first time anyone’s ever not been afraid of me when I’m about to go off.

Baz isn’t always afraid, but when he’s not afraid of me, he’s sneering at me in disapproval and contempt. I’m not sure if that’s much better. So when all these little creatures gathered around me in wonder, it was kind of cool. Their soft grumbling sounded kind of like purring or like one of those white noise machines. I really quite liked them.

I was hoping that maybe if I befriended them, they’d just tell me where Baz was. I used to try to do this my first year, when my default setting wasn’t explosion and murder. The mage would always be furious though, and it never worked out too well, so I haven’t tried in a long time. But these little things are all snuggled up in blankets and nightgowns and they seem to like me. They remind me of Baz under mounds of blankets and quilts when I leave the window open, except he obviously doesn’t like me.

I crouch down and reach out on my hands to a little one that’s by my shoe. It’s grumbles aren’t as low as the fully grown ones, and it almost squeals with happiness as it nuzzles against my fingers.

I wonder if Baz would let me take one of these littluns back to our dorm. I mean I’m rescuing him, so I think I’ve earned that. But it’s never really about earning things with Baz. I think I might’ve earned a pack of salt and vinegar crisps from him though. At least, he pretended not to notice when I nicked it from him the night after I saved him from some worsegers.

I shake my head and try to focus. I’m on a mission here and I need to keep my wits about me. I turn to the biggest of the creatures, the one that looks like it’s leading the pack.

“Is Baz here?” I say in a friendly and plaintive tone.

“Hmm? The… the boy?” She grumbles out, shuffling towards my hands. I let her get close so that she’s not distracted by trying to get to the warmth when I ask my next question. My magic is still rippling in waves of heat across my skin, but their presence is calming.

“Yes, the boy. He’s here? Where is he?”

“Mmm. Yes. The dead one.”

“Dead?!” I half shout, instinctively rising and drawing my hand toward my hip to unsheathe my sword.

“Half-dead. Dead when he came to us. We gave him blood. We kept him well. Do not take your warmth away. We did not take anything away from him.” She growls out, but not unkindly. I think both parties here want these negotiations to remain on friendly terms.

I lower myself back down and tentatively reach my hand back out. I’m more unsure this time, but I’m pretty sure Baz is alive. The nymphs in the Wavering Wood call Baz the ‘dead one’ as well.

“Okay. Yes, that’s him. Where is he? Are you keeping him here?”

“Yes.” She replies, her voice a bit muffled as she nuzzles into my hand. She’s cool to the touch and it’s soothing to have them around me like this. “The boy is in the box. The green one told us to keep him there.” I look to where the creature has turned to. I start to wonder who the ‘green one’ is, but all of those thoughts fly out of my mind as soon as I see what’s in the corner.

I rush over, drawing out my sword and slashing across the locks keeping the coffin shut. I wrench the door open, accidentally yanking it off the hinges and throwing it aside. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding when I see Baz squinting up at me.

“Baz!”

He flinches back and I realize that I might have shouted. I lower my sword and take a step back to give him a few inches of space. I wonder how long he’s been here. I don’t understand how those kind little creatures could’ve done this to him. I hope I don’t have to kill them in the end. I hope they just didn’t understand what they were doing to him and that I can explain. I hope they let me take him peacefully. Either way, I’m not leaving here without him.

“Snow? What are you doing here?” He looks at me resentfully, but he doesn’t seem to have the energy to put any malice into his voice. It’s thin and papery. As I look at him, I realize the same qualities apply to his skin. I press my lips together and reach a hand out to help him up.

“Saving you. Aren’t you the one always saying I have a hero complex?”

“I didn’t know that applied to the villain as well.” His eyes are narrowed, staring at me like he’s trying to figure me out.

I shrug. He clears his throat and seems to take in his surroundings fully. He’s wrapped up in filthy quilts, and there are pink fuzzy slippers sticking off of his feet. The creatures must have been trying to keep him warm at least, even if they were keeping him in a coffin.

“Have you got my wand?” he asks, not meeting my eye. I slide mine into his hand and he shoots me a questioning look.

“I don’t need it, I’ve got my sword. Fiona wouldn’t give me your wand. I don’t think she believed I was actually going to look for you. Said even if I was trying to help I might break it out of sheer incompetence anyway.”  
A snort of laughter escapes him at that and I smile in relief. I’d rather not be the butt of the joke, but I’m glad to know that he’s well enough to still laugh at me. I’d know things were seriously wrong if Baz stopped mocking me.

He wraps his long pale fingers around my wand, and I wonder if they’re thinner than they were before. He stands and casts a cleaning spell on himself and the quilts, which he leaves wrapped snugly around him.

“Do you know what these creatures are?”

“They’re numpties, bloody disgusting, stupid creatures,” he sneers.

“They were very nice to me. I didn’t even have to fight them to find you. They just let me pet them and then they told me where you were.” I reply defensively.

“You’ve been out here _petting_ my captors?”

“Well, it’s a right lot better than blowing them up, innit?” I think it’s much better.

“I know I say you blow things up too much but really, Snow. This is one occasion where it’s perfectly called for.”

“Look, they’re nice! I think they just didn’t understand what they were doing. Can we at least try to talk to them?” I’m scowling up at him. I’m so tired of blowing up on command. I think I might just be tired, full stop.

With a lot of grumbling and complaining, Baz agrees.  
He stumbles as he walks so I wrap an arm around him to keep him steady. He would never admit to needing help but it’s clear he’s weak after however much time he’s spent cooped up in that coffin. He tenses when I do it, but he doesn’t shove me off of him. I wonder if it’s just because he’s not strong enough to, or if maybe he just doesn’t want to.

Baz looms in the back, clearly unwilling to get too close to the numpties. He told me that they’re big and stupid and that all they care about is getting warm. I suppose that explains why they like me, but I don’t mind. Doesn’t sound much different to a fat house cat to me. I’ve always wanted a cat.

I crouch down and let my magic rise up to my skin. I hear Baz inhale sharply behind me as my magic starts rippling in golden waves across my skin. I turn around to make sure he’s all right. He gives me a sharp nod and I turn my attention back to the numpties. The boss or the mum or whatever (I’m not sure how numpty family structures work) approaches me again. She nudges the little ones in front of her, making sure they warm up first.

I try to keep my voice even as I ask, “Why were you keeping Baz in there?”

“The green one brought it. Said he would be warm in there. Dead ones must stay extra warm.” The numpty grumbles and shakes in her deep voice. Knowing that being warm is the most important thing to them, it sounds like they were trying to take care of Baz.

“Were you trying to hurt him?” I ask this more for Baz’s sake than my own. I don’t think they were.

“No. We kept him warm and gave him blood. We only followed orders.”

“Right. Orders from the green one. You mentioned that before, who is the green one?”

“One of you. Dressed all in green. He brought fire magic to keep us warm in exchange for taking the dead one.”

“I think I know who they’re talking about.” I hear Baz whisper from behind me. I twist around to give him a questioning look, but he just shakes his head. “We’ll talk about it later. We should go, school’s starting soon.” I don’t tell him that classes started two days ago. At least he didn’t miss too many classes before I managed to find him.

“Can I bring one of the numpties back to our dorm with us?” I ask hopefully.

He rubs a hand across his eyes. “Blimey, Snow, I haven’t had anything to eat or a shower in weeks. Could we please discuss this at a later date?”

“Yes! You didn’t even say no!” I grin at him.

“It was obviously implied,” he scowls at me. My grin only gets wider.

“We’ll be back,” I promise to the numpties, giving the little ones one last pat. They back off enough to let me rise. I really will be back, I hope they know that.

“Let’s go home, Simon.” Baz says, a small smile tugging at his lips. He holds out his hand to me and I take it. And then I follow him, just like I always do.


End file.
